Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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