I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
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on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
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I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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