can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
