Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Randomize
