i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.