bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
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she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
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they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.