WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
she peed on how many people?
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.