Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
19 Characteristics That Make People Instantly Attractive
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
25 People Confess What They’re Shamefully Attracted To
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.