I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
