Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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