a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
