I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
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