I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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