You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.