Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.