Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.