I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Randomize
