I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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