textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
how does that bad decision feel?
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Randomize
