She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
