i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Randomize
