I cannot find my penis.
my phone needs a breathalizer
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
someone owes me an orgasm
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Randomize
