I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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