Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
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