I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
