This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
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