Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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