a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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