I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Randomize
