He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
