My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
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