I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
