I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
