Tell her she can't have a vagina
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
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