Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
