we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power