hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
