i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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