I smell stomach acid.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
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