did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Randomize
