You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
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