I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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