Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman