Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Oh god it's open bar.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
