went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Randomize
