I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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