All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
