The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Randomize
