He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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