I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Randomize
