p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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