i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
