I wish my penis had an off switch
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
