Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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