She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize