If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
