Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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