She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
