he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
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