I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
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