I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
