So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
it was like having sex with a tree stump
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
